I am guilty.
I have been neglecting my blog,
leaving it to languish unloved, unfed, and – though not exactly unusual –
unread while I was off tending to other matters.
I would like to be able to report
that I’ve been distracted by issues of epic importance or even –whisper it –
finishing editing my book, but that would be a big fat lie. What have I been doing? Well…I’ve been at the movies.
Yes, really.
Alright, so I’ve not been there
the whole time, and I have also been embroiled in the painstaking process of
taking apart my manuscript, fixing the problems and putting it back together
again, but mostly, I’ve been at the movies.
It started with a little plastic
card. Actually, it started before then,
when a budget limited by the demands of Walt Disney World vacations forced me
to choose between three different movies I desperately wanted to see. It’s something of a first world problem, I’ll
grant you, but a problem nonetheless.
Fondly recalling my days as a student, when my disposable income seemed
substantially larger and one or two movies a week was the norm, I decided I’d
had enough. Now for a monthly fee I have
a little plastic card that lets me see as many movies as I like.
Problem solved. Well, sort of. Now I have new problems.
I’m moving right by the
outrageous amount of time I’ve since spent in a darkened cinema, and the fact
that seeing The Avengers multiple times has unleashed a time-consuming new
obsession with Jeremy Renner, and going straight to the real issue – other people. Not all the other people, but a select
few. You know the ones…
The Facebook Addict
You’ve seen them, the person so
addicted to Facebook, Twitter, emails, My Fitness Pal, the picture of Justin
Bieber on their screen, that they can’t endure a two hour movie without looking
at their phone – in all its luminescent glory – approximately 72 times. We get it okay? You’re a popular, important person and you
want the whole cinema to know it, and no, that bright, shiny light from your
phone illuminating the twenty feet around you is not in any way irritating.
The Aura Crusher
It is a truth universally
acknowledged that if you are the only person/couple/group in a cinema, someone
will feel compelled to sit beside you. Right beside you. This sort of behaviour is not confined to
the realm of cinematic entertainment – bus travel also brings it out in people –
but the dark room/long movie combination makes the awkwardness extra special.
The Statue
I blame modern cinemas and their
sheer vastness for this. The anxiety and
strategic planning that go into choosing a place to sit are just too
overwhelming for some people, inevitably resulting in paralysis – usually at
the entrance – that will last approximately half the length of the movie.
The Oblivious Bystander
I have some empathy for the
Oblivious Bystander. They have wandered
in off the street, looking for somewhere warm and cosy to catch their breath
and they’re left completely confused.
They don’t understand why they’re in a darkened room full of people, all
staring intently at the big, bright screen with moving pictures, or why they’re
the only ones continuing to talk at full conversational volume. Though I find the endless prattle about
someone’s pregnancy or how this guy cheated on that girl just a little bit
distracting, I feel bad for The Oblivious Bystander. They’ve paid £7.80 just to come in and catch
up with their friends and those inconsiderate actors are talking the whole time!
If you have encountered these
people at your local multiplex and, like me, have not yet learned how to
function in adult society without experiencing a spike in blood pressure, there
are ways of avoiding them. Go to an
earlier showing. Stay at home and watch
DVDs instead. Be generally more tolerant
and understanding (I’m totally working on it.)
But where would be the fun in
that?
